There’s nothing new that I can add to the infertility discussion… and that’s ok. I just want to be a part of the community who understands what it’s like to experience this.
I’m tired of feeling alone when I force another tight-lipped smile after someone announces their pregnancy (during less gracious moments, I’ve had to squelch the urge to respond with “Oh. I thought you were just getting fat”). I’m tired of coming up with different excuses for dodging yet another baby shower. I’m tired of smiling through painful conversations about ultrasounds, nurseries, and baby names. I kept thinking “Surely, I can’t be the only one out there…? Am I the only one going insane?”
And then I did a google search.
If it weren’t for the Internet, for bloggers like Stirrup Queens and Murgdan and the rest of you out there, I’m not sure how I could cope. Finally, I’ve found other women, and some men, who are not afraid to rant about the ignorance surrounding infertility, who understand the pain of loss, and were forced on the roller coaster ride of hope and despair.
So, I’m throwing caution to the wind, and joining you all. Maybe when there are more voices out there, the more fertile members of society will stop trying to explain our childless status, stop blaming us for waiting too long, stop thinking we are suffering for selfishly putting our careers first, stop telling us to relax and let it happen, stop asking us when we’re going to start a family. Or maybe it will just be enough to know that there are more of us out there.
For now, I’m just relieved to find a space to be myself. No more tight-lipped smiles!