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Sorry I haven’t posted as regularly as I should have. With IVF long behind us, and the adoption at a virtual standstill because our application is somewhere in the ether, I really haven’t had much new to say.  Really, how many more ways can you say “I’m fine but I’m frustrated” ? Ok, maybe I’m not so fine these days, but let’s take a look at the obsessive frustrations.

Infertility sucks. Recently, all the babies that were simply pregnancies last year, are manifesting themselves all around me. I mean, it’s ok, I can deal with this most of the time but it seems like there have been an awful lot of new babies popping up recently, and I’m reaching my saturation point. I feel like I’m reliving the conflicting emotions surrounding pregnancy announcements all over again. How many presents are you supposed to buy for people? I’ve sent along presents to the showers I’ve never attended. I’ve given presents once the babies were born. And now, I think I’m expected to arrange ‘group’ presents from the office. Where are my presents? And if I see another set of ultrasounds, christenings, feedings, or chubby-cheeked babies in different summer attire surrounded by doting parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles on facebook, I may throw my computer out the window (though I have been using the “hide” key liberally). Add my very pregnant co-worker into the mix, who treats her pregnancy as though it is the very first one ever, and has her doula and lactation consultant come into the office for VERY LOUD (disruptive) meetings, and well, maybe you can understand where the frustration is coming from.

Barrenlands Meditations is a little bitter this week. I know. I sound terrible and hateful and angry and ugly, and I am very aware that this is not healthy or make me a very nice person. Sorry; I’ll find my zen again in the next few days. There have been just way too many babies and 8 month bellies in my face over the last couple of weeks that remind me of something I can never have.


When I re-read my last post, I think I made an error in making it sound like it’s all okay. I guess I should’ve qualified that by saying “It’s mostly ok.” Sure, I can function more normally and even attend events where I know there will be new mums with their painfully adorable babies. I can even handle the nosy questions on when DH and I will be starting our family (I mention we’ve tried and suffered through a miscarriage and that answer seems to be enough to move us to the next topic).

However, I still can’t handle pregnancy announcements or ultrasound photos (especially those posted on Facebook). That familiar anxiety returns, along with the sharp pang of jealousy. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

It’s hard. Maybe it will always be hard. I’ve opted to “Hide news items” from two friends over the last couple of weeks. That’s not normal and perhaps I’m still socially stunted. I know I should be happy. I’d want someone to be happy for me too if I were in their shoes. Heck, pregnancy is happy happy news, right? … but just not for me. Not right now.

I think I’m much better dealing with the babies after they’ve arrived. I can deal with that and be happy for the family. No problem. But another pregnancy announcement…? Forget about it. Maybe I have a fear of pregnant bellies…maybe it’s somehow associated with a bizarre fear of the unknown (baby), mixed in with a large, unhealthy dose of envy and stirred with a lot of self-pity.

A lot better but still a little bitter. Sorry to all my pregnant friends and family.

Sorry I’ve been away for awhile. My family came up to visit for a couple of weeks and the weather was unbelievably beautiful. I spent as much time as I could outdoors and away from the unearthly glow of my computer.

I’m glad to see the arrival of August. I was feeling pretty dejected in June: IVF #2 didn’t work, I had to face the fact that I would likely never experience pregnancy; and my job (and pregnant co-workers) were getting me down. AND, possibly the last straw…my new fish died.

Inexplicably, life went on… and for today’s Show-and-Tell: I have a beautiful new fish!

I’m not sure when this happened, but it feels like the tide has changed and I’m not mired in so much despair about our infertility. It used to rule my life. It fed my anger and jealousy. It also kept me hidden from a world that just did not stop breeding. But now, I’m going out more and I realized last weekend that I had made huge strides when I could actually chat with a new mother and her baby and not feel emotionally drained afterwards. Heck, I even picked up a baby last weekend and it didn’t send me into a tailspin of depression and self-loathing. That’s gotta be a good sign, right?

I’m not sure what’s happened, whether it’s time that is healing, the resolution that I am no longer actively ‘trying’ to get pregnant, or the fact that we’re now playing the waiting game for an adoption. I just don’t know. All I know is that I’ve got a new fish and feel like I’m finally in control. I sure hope this feeling lasts.

blue fighting fish 2Now swim over to Stirrup Queen’s show-and-tell and check out the rest of the class!

August 2009
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