When I re-read my last post, I think I made an error in making it sound like it’s all okay. I guess I should’ve qualified that by saying “It’s mostly ok.” Sure, I can function more normally and even attend events where I know there will be new mums with their painfully adorable babies. I can even handle the nosy questions on when DH and I will be starting our family (I mention we’ve tried and suffered through a miscarriage and that answer seems to be enough to move us to the next topic).
However, I still can’t handle pregnancy announcements or ultrasound photos (especially those posted on Facebook). That familiar anxiety returns, along with the sharp pang of jealousy. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”
It’s hard. Maybe it will always be hard. I’ve opted to “Hide news items” from two friends over the last couple of weeks. That’s not normal and perhaps I’m still socially stunted. I know I should be happy. I’d want someone to be happy for me too if I were in their shoes. Heck, pregnancy is happy happy news, right? … but just not for me. Not right now.
I think I’m much better dealing with the babies after they’ve arrived. I can deal with that and be happy for the family. No problem. But another pregnancy announcement…? Forget about it. Maybe I have a fear of pregnant bellies…maybe it’s somehow associated with a bizarre fear of the unknown (baby), mixed in with a large, unhealthy dose of envy and stirred with a lot of self-pity.
A lot better but still a little bitter. Sorry to all my pregnant friends and family.