Sorry I haven’t posted as regularly as I should have. With IVF long behind us, and the adoption at a virtual standstill because our application is somewhere in the ether, I really haven’t had much new to say. Really, how many more ways can you say “I’m fine but I’m frustrated” ? Ok, maybe I’m not so fine these days, but let’s take a look at the obsessive frustrations.
Infertility sucks. Recently, all the babies that were simply pregnancies last year, are manifesting themselves all around me. I mean, it’s ok, I can deal with this most of the time but it seems like there have been an awful lot of new babies popping up recently, and I’m reaching my saturation point. I feel like I’m reliving the conflicting emotions surrounding pregnancy announcements all over again. How many presents are you supposed to buy for people? I’ve sent along presents to the showers I’ve never attended. I’ve given presents once the babies were born. And now, I think I’m expected to arrange ‘group’ presents from the office. Where are my presents? And if I see another set of ultrasounds, christenings, feedings, or chubby-cheeked babies in different summer attire surrounded by doting parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles on facebook, I may throw my computer out the window (though I have been using the “hide” key liberally). Add my very pregnant co-worker into the mix, who treats her pregnancy as though it is the very first one ever, and has her doula and lactation consultant come into the office for VERY LOUD (disruptive) meetings, and well, maybe you can understand where the frustration is coming from.
Barrenlands Meditations is a little bitter this week. I know. I sound terrible and hateful and angry and ugly, and I am very aware that this is not healthy or make me a very nice person. Sorry; I’ll find my zen again in the next few days. There have been just way too many babies and 8 month bellies in my face over the last couple of weeks that remind me of something I can never have.