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The countdown is on to our departure date. I’m starting to feel a bit better than I did during the last post: I honestly think the PMS is getting worse and worse as I inch closer to menopause. Fun times.

With the boxes accumulating and the rooms emptying out, the fact that we’re leaving this community is beginning to hit home. Most of the time, it just feels like I’m going on vacation… but as I say goodbye to my favorite people and special places, I feel a sudden panic that makes me want to cling to what’s familiar. I’ve been able to experience a lifestyle few people get to see, and for this, I feel very fortunate.

But, somewhere along the way, I became the one who lost the baby… the one who can’t have kids… and this is how I’ve come to define myself. It may not be how others see me, but it’s definitely how I see myself. I recognize that this isn’t healthy.

As much as I’ll miss this place and the great friends I’ve made, I have to admit that I’m looking forward (and hopeful) to whatever life brings us next. The opportunity to lose myself in a larger city is appealing.

This move is a nice distraction. Although it’s tiring and we both have aching muscles by the end of the day, it’s a nice break from the regular infertility obsession. Hopefully, it’s also burning a few extra calories, so I can get back to my “city” shape (ha ha!), as I shed the layers of puffy, cold-weather outdoor gear for more fashionable urban-wear!


We have another couple of weeks before the big move. Fortunately, we managed to sell our house and we’ve got a lot of packing done. These are really good things, yet, I feel like I’m spiraling into another dark period.

It’s just too hard to figure out how to start the whole adoption process all over again once we move. It’s a whole new set of rules, and training, and policies. We had hoped to adopt here, where generally, it’s a bit easier to make contact with women who wish to place their children, as the villages are small. Once we’re living away from here, this option will be more difficult, if not impossible, and we’ll soon be one of the many couples in the “system” that’s completely new to us.

I’ve emailed a few adoption practitioners in the area we’ll be moving to and have been asking questions. It seems like there’s very little I can do to get started until we are settled. It’s a bit frustrating not being able to DO anything, and I feel like I’m back at the beginning where I was mad at this body that failed me, mad at the world that keeps reproducing and utterly out-of-control. It seems like whenever we make steps to move forward, or have a little bit of hope, the rules change and we’re sent to the back of the line again.

Maybe this post makes no sense. Maybe I just need a good cry. It’s definitely been one of those weeks.

October 2009
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