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First, I want to thank you for the encouraging words. It meant a lot. It’s been a really rough ride. I can’t explain how frightening it is to see your loved one suffer from an illness so harsh, that they become someone else. I would look into their face, but the illness had taken their personality away and changed it into something I didn’t recognize.

The good news is, they’re out of the hospital and doing much better. Recovery may never be complete and treatment is ongoing, but I’m thankful to have my loved one back. I do miss having them around for emotional support… especially on days when I’m feeling a little blue.

On the adoption front, there were a few potential matches with children and we were  short-listed but then would be screened out near the end. I’m hoping that we’ve been screened out enough times that all the couples who are like us are now matched; maybe we’ll be the ones matched next.

I’ll admit that the first time we were told that we were not chosen, it was hard. It’s strange to feel so sad… to feel the loss of something that you never had to begin with. I guess at this point in my life, after all the disappointments, simply losing the ‘idea’ of something is hard. It gets a bit easier each time, but it still sucks. I feel like becoming a harder person is necessary to get through the rough patches; I’ve slowly resigned myself to the fact that we may never be the ones chosen. Maybe there’s something intrinsically wrong, not just with our homestudy, but with us… Are we that different? Are we not different enough? Sigh. You can’t help but feel a little insecure after a while.

December 2010
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