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It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything simply because there’s now very little to say… we’ve completed the homestudy, have a copy of the report in our hands and are in the process of sending it out to public and private agencies.

As we distribute our information to these agencies, I can’t help but feel… expectant. Even though my body isn’t carrying a baby, similar thoughts that I’d have when I was pregnant are constantly floating in the back of my mind. Like, what colour would we like to make the kid’s room? Will our new house have enough storage for toys? How will I manage to walk our beloved dogs and handle a stroller or toddler at the same time? If no one has a “shower” type celebration for us when we’re finally matched with a wonderful child, do I have the moxie to throw one myself or would that be presumptuous, and would I really care? I kinda like these thoughts, and I know it will likely take more than 9 months for a child to be placed with us (in fact, I’m braced for a two year waiting period) but I’m actually allowing myself to indulge in these fantasies every once in awhile.

Since the miscarriage, I stopped myself from really thinking about the actual changes in our life that a child would bring. It would hurt too much if it didn’t happen. But now, I feel a little bit more hopeful. Sure, it may be awhile, but I think it’s actually gonna happen.

I’ve made contact with a few public agencies in cities I’ve lived in before and we’re applying to a couple of private agencies too. I’ve made a couple of versions of our “prospective parent profile” and hope that they resonate with some of the birth families.

So, that’s it, that’s my update. I’ve been pretty quiet as of late, but I’m still popping into your blogs every so often (guilty of lurking!). I’m hoping everyone has a great summer and when anything interesting happens, you’ll see it here, promise!

You’ll know I’m doing well when you notice that I haven’t been blogging much. After that last pitiful post, I heard from my client and suddenly I had another deadline coming up… FAST!

What this shows me is that I need to be working. When the slower periods last too long, my mind wanders to negative places (see previous post). Oh sure, I can fill my days easily enough, especially as I get settled in our new community, but when I wasn’t in school full time, I’ve been employed since I was 18. Self-employment is not for the insecure (ie. ME!). I keep wondering: why hasn’t my client called? Why isn’t anybody calling? Have I screwed up that last job so badly, they can’t even acknowledge me? If I want to make a go of working from home, I’ve gotta stop personalizing all of this!

I’ve just submitted a proposal for work with a government organization. This could be good if I’m successful. It would definitely be more stable! Of course, I’m not sure of my chances, because I’ll lose points for not being from the region (which actually counts for a lot in their evaluation). Oh well, I had to try.

AND, I was surprised to receive an email on Wednesday requesting an interview for a job I applied to months ago. I thought I didn’t make the cut! I know I’d rather work from home, especially because of the adoption but this job is the closest to my ideal job. It’s in my field, with a large organization whose values I believe in, the corporate culture is so good that it wins awards AND they’re known for their innovation. I think the interview went well… I never felt uncomfortable and it seemed like the interviewer was interested in what I had to say…? I went into the interview thinking “Meh, I don’t even know if I really want this.” After the interview, I decided I would definitely love the job.

We’ll see what happens. It’ll be at least 3 weeks before they shortlist to a second round of interviews. In the meantime, I have to bill my clients for the work done in February and prepare for a presentation at a symposium I’ve been asked to speak at. It’s back in my old community, so I’m excited about that!

In terms of the adoption, we’re almost at the end of our homestudy interviews. I think after this week, our practitioner will be ready to start drafting her report. My feelings during the process have gone from positive to negative and back again. I think my interest in the job is also caused by the realization that we may not get a placement for at least a year. That seems like such a long time.

Ok, I should stop now and catch up with everyone else! Have a good week!

Dear Large Bookstore Retailer,

Thank you for figuring out yet another way I can be marginalized because of my infertility. I thought I’d experienced it all, but you proved me wrong.

This weekend, DH and I drove into the city and decided to waste some time surrounded by books. I went to check out the parenting section to see if there were any books on adoption. I walked past the first set of bookshelves… no books there. Okay, maybe the second set of shelves… nope, no books there either. Third section: nada. Well, let’s move down to the obscure fourth shelf.

And there, at the very end, were the adoption books. While the plural form, “books” is grammatically accurate, it doesn’t really seem to capture the disappointing collection of “two.” I looked up to see what this section of books was apparently labeled so I’d know better for next time: “Alternative parenting.”

Oh.

Alternative parenting? Is that like alternative rock? While I do like alternative music, is there another way we could categorize the adoption section? Granted, infertility has shunted us out of the “mainstream” but really, do you have to reinforce this further?

Anyways, dear Large Bookstore Retailer, I suppose I’ll retreat into my dark corner for now with the rest of the alternative folks.

Thanks for trying.

After waiting for months for the movie “Up” to arrive in our village, we finally got to see it over the weekend. I was somewhat prepared for the first scene, having read about it on Stirrup Queen’s post on June 14. Though I knew what was coming, I still struggled to keep the sobs quiet. It doesn’t help either that last year (in fact, exactly one year ago today) I saw my baby’s flickering heartbeat. I was so full of hope and so happy then.

Fast-forward a year to present-day… there has been a lot of sadness over the last year. A lot of long, silent moments. It feels like a lifetime has gone by. I am feeling more hopeful about potentially adopting a child and I think that time may be easing some of the pain away, and I never thought that could happen. We’re looking to adopt a child here because we know that it can happen quickly, and we’re familiar with the culture. The openness of the adoption process scared us at first. There are no agencies here to help you out, no social workers to counsel adoptive parents and finding a mother who is willing to place her child with another family is basically through friends you know. The fact that you have to work through your personal networks to find a birth mother is more than a little daunting (so much for privacy). However, that ridiculously high fertility rate, which has taunted me for many years, may actually work in our favor. A few people we know who adopted only had to wait a few months and most of them were able to hold a newly born baby in their arms (though we would be happy with any child 4 or younger).

There’s been some movement on that front: we’ve spoken to a friend who has helped other couples. He’s warned us that the mom may change her mind. He’s warned us to proceed with caution and to be patient and wait for the right family. He’s also warned us of the high incidence of FASD (fetal alcohol syndrome). Big things. But adoption is also part of the culture here and doesn’t have the same stigma it might in other places. We’ve been strongly encouraged to let people know we would like to adopt, to talk about it freely. Adoption seems to simply be a part of life and many families here have either placed a child or have adopted. The difficulty in talking about it, I will admit, comes from our own private personalities, but slowly, we’re coming out of our shell. When we do, the people we talk to are always so happy about our decision.

One snag: we found out that our application for homestudy had been sitting on someone’s desk waiting to be processed since April… augh! Bureaucracy is the same everywhere.

Okay. Well, that didn’t go as expected, but such is life.

Don’t get me wrong; my current zen-like attitude was paved with more than a few tears over the last few days. But I can only look ahead or go completely insane.

DH and I spent the weekend with my family. I don’t get to see them much, since it’s so expensive to fly from the village, but they’re only a 6-hour drive from this city. It was a great distraction. My mom likes to feed my poor husband. She’s one of those moms who’ll slip more food on your plate when you’re not looking. I don’t think we’ll eat for another week (especially since I’m absolutely determined to lose the weight gained from the two IVF cycles).  We also took my parents to see an Abba tribute band. I defy anyone to stay sad while listening to Abba!  The guy playing “Bjorn” looked like he was out of place though… he had the long, curly, rocker hair and we suspect this Abba-thing is a side gig from his regular job rocking out to AC/DC or Led Zeppelin. If you closed your eyes, they were pretty convincing!

So, in a week, we fly back to our little village in the middle of nowhere. Am I ready for that? Absolutely not. Returning to work to see my pregnant co-worker is not going to be easy, especially since she suffers from pregnancy-brain and prattles on about her pregnancy symptoms regardless of the current work-related discussions. Oh well. She was annoying before she was pregnant, and she’s even more annoying now; no love lost there.

I guess when we get back home, we can focus on the next step: adoption. We submitted our application to initiate the process before we left in April. Unless I win the lottery soon, IVF #3 is not in our future. Well, I won’t rule anything out just yet: maybe if I just save a little more money, if an estrogen-priming protocol might be worthwhile, and we move from the village before I’m 40… maybe, just maybe, the conditions will be right for #3. I’ll wait for the follow-up with my RE before considering this.

Thanks to you all for your support during our recent journey. It was great to know I wasn’t alone.

Now, I think it’s time I searched for the perfect mojito…  🙂