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glass of red wine that spilled

My contracts finished last week, so I’ve been able to go through the homework from our adoption training sessions. These have to be handed in during our next homestudy this weekend.

I’m finding it really difficult to get through these questions without crying at least once. Admittedly, I get depressed when I’m not working. Add my period to the mix and the fact that I’ve never gotten over that little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ve miraculously conceived… and suddenly, I’m not in a good headspace. I thought after we made the decision to adopt, I’d get over it, but that’s not entirely true all the time. Guess I’m just feeling the loneliness of being in a new town so far from my friends, the anxiety of being unemployed and hopelessly infertile.

Here I am, answering questions about the life I would give a child. I’m forcing myself to imagine all of the things we’d do together as I prepare responses to the questions on what I can do to support their development and what DH and I have to offer. First, I imagine all of the birthdays and holidays with our families. Then, I’m imagining that I’m sitting anxiously during our first visit to our family doctor. Next, I’m asked to take stock of our life and inventory all of the things I can offer a child to satisfy the basic needs of life, the amazing extended family that are all waiting his/her arrival, the Church and school which are both walking distance, the parks and conservation areas where we’ll go on nature walks….

So, I’ve spent the last week imagining the life I so desperately long for, answering questions that some people never have to consider and it feels like it’s breaking my heart.  I know it’s simply part of the process, but it’s just so hard.

It’s been a sucky week. Sorry for the whine. I’m sure things will turn around next week.

June 2018
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